Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize
