It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
