Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
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