I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Your cock deserves a montage
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
