ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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