So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
