Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
