Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Man I can't wait till Thursday if strippers and beer are what you consider "research"
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
