you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize