Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
