It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
