the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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