when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I am midnight drunk by noon
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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