You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
