I'm sorry my penis didn't work
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Your vagina must be outstanding or have a secret entrance to Narnia if someone is will to fly from Texas for one night of it.
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