please pick me up with an explanation of why i shacked in a trailer with a guy who doesnt have a car.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
