just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
