Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
