Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
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