All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
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