Your tits are I can't wait for
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize
