Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
