Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
You ruined the universe
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
