I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
