he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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