if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
