There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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