I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
