Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
