ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
