She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
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