We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
