a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
