you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
You need Xanax blowdarts
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
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