I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
