i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
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