the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
