No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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