I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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