PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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