You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
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