I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
