Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
a search helicopter?!
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
