i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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