Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Randomize