Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
