I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
