Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
