we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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