Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
