went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
