...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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