My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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