Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize