her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
