Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
The fact that you walked around talking like Barbie and still got laid amazes me.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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