dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize