i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
I touched a dick in church today
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
