he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Randomize
