i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I smell like Dick and happiness
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
