I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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