Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
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