jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
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