I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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